#FrothyWatches: “I Don’t Know How She Does It” AKA How To Make A Feminist Cry In Pain.

WARNING: This blog post is one big spoiler. I’ve sat through this film, and I felt it was only fair that you, the reader, know how spectacularly shit it was, in deep detail, just so that if you decide to watch it, you can’t blame me for not warning you. I’m considerate like that. 

Every now and then, I do something stupid. I trawl the Sky Movies listings, looking for the most misogynistic sounding movie I can find, and see how much of the film I can sit through. Today’s offering was I Don’t Know How She Does It (McGrath, 2011). Of course, when I saw the film advertised as a “frothy comedy”, I knew this would be my next victim. I mean, pffft… How dare they use my name to sell this crap, eh?

Sarah Jessica Parker plays Kate Reddy, a  successful finance executive. Her husband, played by Gregg Kinnear… erm… he does something… But of course, this is I Don’t Know How She Does It. A film which could have, just as easily, been called Let’s Demotivate All Successful Working Mothers And Remind Them That Their Husbands Should Be The Breadwinners. After all, I don’t think we’ll ever see a film where everyone wonders how the “man of the house” manages to hold down a successful career and have a family. It’s just assumed that it’s only women who struggle with juggling these roles. But still.

The film starts with Alison, Kate’s best friend, and probably the only redeemable character in the film, telling us that everyone struggles with the career and family juggle. But of course, Kate is the Diana Prince (that’s Wonder Woman, for those who aren’t clued up on superheroes) of the working/family circus. Of course, as soon as we’re told this, we see Kate dashing into a shop, to cheat her way through some school bake sale.

Now, I understand the concept of cheating your way through a bake sale. Aside from shortbread and flapjacks, I cannot cook. Even then, if you think you’re getting a straight shortbread biscuit out of the biscuit barrel, you must be mad. But what eludes me is why Kate was the only one expected to get messy in the kitchen. Oh wait, women’s place. That’s right… Obviously, the only person who screws up more than Kate would be single mum, Alison, who arrives at the bake sale with unset jelly. Oh, those bloody useless single mothers.

Anyway. Back to Kate’s house, where we meet her husband, who walks in whilst she’s baking. He’s been in the house, so why he’s incapable of putting a pie (or unset jelly) together, I’m entirely unsure. But then he doesn’t actually do much around the house anyway. We’re shown Kate, lying in bed mentally making “To-Do” lists, and, in an equal household, most of the things she finds herself listing would have been on King Fuckwit’s list. But nope, they call it “Wifework” for a reason. It is, by default, “teh wimminz work”. Needless to say, “wax something” comes up. Apparently, it doesn’t matter what, as long as she waxes something. Yay for fucking waxing. (It was around this point I ended up scrawling “Oh my fucking god, stop thinking Kate!” in capitals, across my notes. Justified.)

We then meet Kate’s two children, Ben and Emily. Emily is 5, and hates the fact her mother works long hours. Of course, if it was her father working away, he’d be greeted with joyous hugs, and showered with praise, blah blah blah… Of course, the 2 year old, Ben, is an absolute delight. As Kate says; “Being a mum to a two year old is like being a moviestar in a world without critics.” Obviously, she’s never put Ben’s socks on the wrong feet, nor been met with the rage that comes from misinterpreting “Truck” (pronounced Duck) as “Duck”. (Seriously, if you ever pass your two year old a duck under these circumstances, you become worse than Stalin.)

Anyway, both Kate and King Fuckwit are getting ready for work; Kate’s slaving away in the kitchen, King Fuckwit is drinking coffee and eating. Meanwhile, I’m the other side of the screen, facepalming. So, the Nanny is late. Again. And whilst the father gets ready to “have a word with her”, Kate tells us that “men and women look at childcare very differently”. Fuck off. Seriously. Me? I look for the person best equipped to care for my child. I’m pretty sure my brother did exactly the same thing when looking for childcare for his youngest, and I know it’s the case with the lone fathers I know… Men only view childcare differently when they can assume that, worst comes to worst, the mother will stay at home.  Regardless, we’re told that fathers see childcare as an outflow of cash, and the mother sees a person. YAY! McGrath has just provided a new way to objectify women.

We’re then faced with the school run. Obviously wifework. So, we know who does that. And when Kate sneaks Emily in a few minutes late, we’re greeted with a slightly intimidating kindergarten teacher. Mini-Dragon’s reception (English equivalent of kindergarten) teacher (and Deputy Head) actually praised Mini-Dragon’s dawdling skills when we turned up late one morning. This may be a rarity, but I still don’t buy the terrifying Kindergarten teacher, should a child be slightly late.

It’s around here, we meet Alison, with her failed attempt at Jello. Cue a quip about women having gone from faking orgasms, to faking pies. It is around this time that I decided my preferable ending for this piece of shit would be for Kate to ditch the husband and elope with the Nanny.  And then, in stroll “The Momsters”. Or Mumsnet’s “Am I Being Unreasonable”, timewarped to the 50’s and doped up on speed. Seriously, the Momsters have their judgey pants so high, they can’t breathe. Chief “Momster” Wendy Best is a stay at home parent, who lives in the gym during school hours, berating each decision Kate makes. Wendy is supposed to be simultaneously “perfect” and “nauseating”, in that way perfect mummies are. But yay for a film about motherhood, pitching women against each other. Last time I checked, Motherhood wasn’t a competition, but this film makes it seem like that’s exactly what motherhood is.

Meanwhile, Kate arrives at work, where we find out working mummies are “insufficiently groomed”. And we meet Momo, who’s supposed to be some kind of bitch, but I’m not sure I buy that. Momo, instead, ends up the Pro-Lifer’s dream; accidentally pregnant, and originally planning to abort,   she’s talked round to keeping the child by Kate, who offers to help her… with WHAT time, I’m not sure, but still… Momo, who “never wants kids”, and says her pregnancy “feels like a mistake”, ends up, obviously, softened by pregnancy and childbirth. Because, you know, pregnancy “completes” women.

But it’s Kate’s work that really brings out the misogyny of the film. When Kate is presented with an important opportunity at work, she’ll be required to work out of town. Now, as the child of a “work away” father, I can tell you – Mum didn’t get a say in whether Dad headed off on yet another course; it was generally accepted that he needed to do this. Kate, however, phones up to ask permission from King Fuckwit. But even whilst out of town, Kate has to deal with the “night night” songs over the phone. Even Grandma has her opinion on Kate’s working condition… “If you weren’t working, Ben would be talking by now.” In fact, Grandma makes it perfectly clear that working mummy’s are the scum of the earth, and should just stay at home, thus keeping everything simple.  Needless to say, the one time everyone is shown to be happy during this 90  minute assualt on working mothers is Thanksgiving. Well, until work calls.

The climax of the film, however, comes when Ben falls down the stairs. Even though King Fuckwit was at home, with the kids, Kate is blamed for Ben’s fall because she hadn’t got round to replacing the carpet at the top of the stairs, along with King Fuckwit’s “At least I was here when it happened!” Even non-working parents can’t be around their children 24 hours a day, seven days a week… But of course, because Kate’s phone happened to be turned off (she’d forgotten to charge it) she automatically becomes demon mother. In her guilt, Kate laments “I wasn’t here when Ben needed me.” When’s the last time you heard that line spoken by a father in a film? Emily then continues to list things that Mummy misses because she’s at work. Oh, don’t worry, this all gets resolved. I won’t say how. But lets just say I was left with my palm firmly attached to my face by the end of it.

I Don’t Know How She Does It, with a shift of perspective, could have been a witty, insightful film, into the joys of juggling family life with work. Had it focused on Alison, perhaps it may have become that. After all, Alison can be attributed with the most insightful quote of the film. “Difficult is just another word for anything that isn’t a man”. Well, that is indeed what this film tells us. Repeatedly. Rather than celebrating the working mothers, it ends up mocking them to a pitiful extent. Would it be entirely unreasonable for me to hold my breath for a sequel asking how working fathers manage this? Or is it only working mothers who deserve to be scrutinised?

In Which My Family Tell Me It’s Better To Be Miserable And Settled Down than Happy And Single…

<Warning- This is a little rambly, a little disjointed, but it’s come more from a stream of consciousness than anything else>

My sister-in-law is going through another one of her phases. The other day, she very kindly pointed out I’ve been single for three years.

Now, I have no problem with being reminded I’ve been single for three years. It’s been a choice, and it’s been a hell of a lot of fun. But sadly, every time a member of my family point out my “long standing single status”, I get looked at as if I have an alien trying to claw it’s way out from between my eyes.

No, luckily the one ally I have in my singledom is my mother. But I’m pretty sure she believes that, should I start dating, I’d make any potential partner’s head explode with talks about raunch culture, the objectification of women, and how patriarchy and capitalism are intertwined… She has faith in me, and it shows. But the rest of my family seem eager to get me married off by the time I’m thirty. Which gives me roughly two and a half years… (P.S. If you’re wondering; no, it doesn’t seem to matter whether I want to get married or not…)

See, my family have never been entirely comfortable with lone parents. Especially not those pesky lone parents who are happy being lone parents. See, the thing is, the patriarchy would rather we believed that a happy ending happens when you meet Prince Charming, and marry him on a crazy whim. YAY! Everyone knows that the Disney Princess idea of love is OH SO ROMANTIC, and not, in anyway, similar to the dynamics of abuse, right?

So, on the whole “settle down with Prince Charming” note, I was left wondering, where were these films where the end result for any female protagonist wasn’t marriage, a big, puffy white dress, and all being well with the world? (Or at least ending up in a relationship with “Mr Perfect” by the end of the film). I could think of two, off the top of my head. (*Please note, I have not included films where the female lead is a child, for obvious reasons.) These were Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland, and my personal favourite, Adrienne Shelley’s Waitress. We have a cinema industry that is over 100 years old, and we’re still being told the ultimate happy ending has to involve Prince Flipping Charming, and preferably the ol’ exchange of vows. The ultimate happy ending for men? Well, you could have saving the world, that big job promotion, “getting the girl” (a misogynistic concept in itself; women are not “girls”, nor are they prizes to be won for being the most likeable man in a film)

Ironically, I’ve always considered Waitress to have the happiest ending of all, but then, y’know… There’s another blog post waiting to come out there.

But the idea a woman can live, outside of men’s involvement in her life, is one that baffles society. But surely, this attitude is one that ensures women are more likely to stay in an unhappy relationship? If we’re told men are essential for our own existence, the idea of life without men becomes terrifying. Intriguingly enough, if we look back to the ol’ Disney Princess clap trap, there’s a recurring theme with the female villains. Every single “witch” is just that… single, and living without the necessity of men in her life. And it comes as no surprise when you consider that, during the witch hunts in Tudor/Stuart led England, the women accused of being “witches” were usually those who were deemed the polar opposite of a “good wife”. (80% of accused “witches” in Suffolk, for example, were women, and the practise of “Witch Hunting”, was women-hating at it’s highest example). A typically accused witch was, during the height of the Witch-trials, a spinster or widow living on her own.

Sadly, it seems that the stigma that’s attached to single women hasn’t been lost quite yet. We keep trying to shake it off, but when single women are no longer represented as “witches” in the films I share with my son, or no longer asked why they’re still single at the ripe old age of 30, then maybe we’ll be a little closer.

Anyway. I’m now off to ask people why they’re married. Just to be slightly awkward. What else, really, would you expect from me?…

I

Soul Destruction

Nicole O'Connell - Story of a London Call Girl 88

I have created a new page on my blog called Voices of Prostitution Survivors.  So far, there are nine stories up there.

For anyone who has worked in prostitution and would like to contribute a short piece, anything from a few sentences to a few paragraphs, please email me with your piece to ruth@soul-destruction.com or use thecontact formon the website.

If you have a blog and/or Twitter account and would like them linked to your piece, please let me know those details. Alternatively, if you would prefer to use a pen name or be kept anonymous, please let me know that too.

To be clear, I am interested to hear from anyone who has worked in prostitution. There is no judgement on how long you worked in prostitution for, whether it be for one day or decades. Nor does it matter what type of prostitution you were…

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