I logged off Facebook earlier than usual tonight; He noticed how early I was saying “goodnight”… pointed out it was barely half twelve. Definitely not like me to go that early. But for some reason, I had the same two words, ringing round in my ears… “stop shaking. Stop shaking. Stop shaking.”
Yep, nice handy flashback to deal with. I don’t get visual flashbacks where the first guy is concerned. Just those words. I vaguely remember him passed out on the couch shortly beforehand. But somehow, over the years, his face, his hair… everything’s been replaced with Dom.
I noticed something strange about my thought processes whilst I’m triggered earlier. If any other rape survivor approaches me, I have no problem knowing where to place the blame. I will gladly sit up all night helping a survivor where possible. But it’s when the flashbacks strike me. I find myself fighting to think of ways I could have got out of each situation. Why is it I can give people the kindness and support they need, but when it comes to myself, so often, all I can show is a great big dose of hatred?