Silent? Not me… A post about hate speech, and why I won’t be shutting up after all…

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There’s a problem with being a feminist. Every now and then, you find those who believe men should have the right to abuse, rape and kill women will hit back, in what they think is the worst way. And when you’re a radical feminist, with a male child, they believe they have an extra line of attack. Or they can attack your experience of rape. Or they can send you thinly veiled threats, in the style of an illiterate Blondie/One Direction fan. They think they can scare you into silence. Instead, they forget they’re sending these threats to someone who borrows insults to add to her profile, and, even at the worst points in their life, takes solace in writing. So, to my darling little trolls, thank you for the writing prompts. If you have any more, you know where to submit them.

Now, firstly, if you have shit with me, then fair enough. But the fact you’ve chosen to attack my son by proxy says a lot about you. The fact I can love and care for a young boy, whilst challenging men’s violence against women terrifies some people. It doesn’t add up. According to them, I’m some frothing man hater, who must be channelling my hatred of men onto my son. I confuse you all, don’t I? In the MRAs mind, I’m supposed to hate men. Seriously. If you think I hate all men, you’re not paying enough attention. Seriously, your stalking skills are somewhat lacking. But the fact you’d drag a child into your attacks concerns me. Do you do the same with children in your own life? I suspect so. Which, you know, saddens me a lot.

As for attacking my experience of rape, telling me that I deserved it… I know this didn’t come from the same troll. I’m feeling slightly honoured that I have more than one. But seriously. Telling someone they deserved to be raped? I’m assuming you’re from “Justice For Ched”. You’re not helping your cause. At all. I’m open about my experience for a reason. I know I didn’t deserve to be raped. No one does. It doesn’t matter if they’ve drunk the bar dry, taken every drug available to man, whether they’re prostitutes, or even the person who sent me that “question”.  Seriously. None of your victim blaming bullshit is going to make me believe anyone deserves to be raped. If men could refrain from raping, that would be lovely, thanks. And if people could stop applauding men for raping, that would be even better.

But, a quick note to the MRAs, the Justice For Ched brigade… Those who hate women THAT much… Other people may shut up because of you. But surely you all know by now that any silence from me is temporary, and most likely coincidental. Seriously. I have a life outside Twitter, Facebook, WordPress. You know what I feel is relevant. And, to Kathryn Rice, yes, that does included that detail about my nephew. I’ve never claimed to be perfect. Nor have I claimed that my family are. But my feminism includes being honest. Sometimes brutally. And not standing for bullshit, either. I can promise you. My family’s actions don’t define me as a feminist, but they sure as hell encourage my feminism. And no, that doesn’t mean I’ll step down from challenging your bullshit.

Feminism Isn’t Just About The Middle Classes… Stop Letting Middle Class Feminists Speak For Us

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There’s an old cliche which is oft repeated; “Feminism is a middle class phenomenon.” This is supposed to be one of the concerns about feminism, often uttered by those very women decrying radical feminism as not being intersectional enough.

I’m, to put it bluntly, an underclass feminist. I’ve spent the past five years of my life trying to escape the benefit trap, only for such attempts to be thwarted by debt, financial difficulty, and ill mental health. I had the privilege of completing a year of university, before having to leave due to the effects of post traumatic stress disorder, depression and crippling debt caused by several outside factors. For me, phoning the university to withdraw from my course was just another reminder of the fact I wasn’t middle class, unlike my course mates.

Today’s New Statesmen Feminism debate was another harsh reminder of how the liberal feminist movement forgets the women it begs radical feminism to remember. I mean no disrespect to each of the panellists, before I start. But liberal feminist conferences seem to be dominated, primarily, by white middle class women. And judging by the feedback from #nsfem, these are white, middle class, heterosexual feminists. These are the women who are likely to have successful careers, or can afford to stay at home with the kids. These are women likely to have been able to finish their university education, because they weren’t caught in the poverty trap at the same time. These aren’t women who were at risk of female genital mutilation, or forced marriage during their childhood. And these probably weren’t the woman who felt pushed into prostitution due to the poverty trap. They’ll have their own battles, but these were battles which went unanswered at #NSFem See, recent welfare cuts are affecting women all over. But #NSFem left this battle unchallenged. The question of why the panel was all female was asked, but audience members begged for talks of male violence against women, using the #NSFem hashtag.

But I’m sick, to the back teeth, of the feminism class wars. Whilst the lib fems are busy bashing the rad fems for “not being intersectional enough”, they ignore that they’re guilty of exactly the same thing. As an underclass feminist, with I find myself frequently having to decline turning up to feminist events. It would be fucking wonderful to say, just for once, “yes, I’ll definitely be at…” whichever feminist event is coming up. It would be wonderful to know I wasn’t trapped by poverty, and know that I could attend any interview without worrying too much about how much I’d be spending on travel/interview clothes.  It’d be a fucking dream to know that I could stand up there, and speak about the issues facing working class women, alongside my sisters. I’d love to know that there was a lesbian feminist stood next to me, talking of her experiences, or a woman of colour talking of her own oppression. I can’t speak for them. Likewise, the middle class feminists can’t speak for me.

The Oversimplification of Feminism, And How It’s Destroying Us

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2011. Sat in Gatwick airport, I found myself reading a quote from Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman, in which Moran described how to tell if you’re a feminist.

so, here is a quick way of working out if you’re a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.

a) Do you have a vagina?

b) Do you want to be in charge of it?

If you said yes to both, congratulations, you’re a feminist.

I’d been up since 3:30 that morning, left the house at 5:10, and travelled 200 miles with two suitcases, a grumpy three year old, and successfully manoeuvred the London Underground without falling into London Below. I think I deserved the groan which escaped me at this point.

See, the oversimplification of feminism is something that’s beginning to bug me. Well, I say “beginning”. It’s been annoying me since I took baby steps into the world of Feminism. You can own a vagina, believe you should be in charge of it, and not be a feminist. I’ll stick you in a room with any of my female relatives for half an hour, and my point will be proven. Do I think the women who accuse rape victims of lying are feminists? Hell no. Do I think women who try to enforce compulsory heterosexuality are feminists? Nope. So, obviously, Moran’s definition is a *little* too simplistic  to explain what feminism really is.

So, imagine my shock when a few weeks ago, I stumbled across a quiz which reduced feminism even further. ARE YOU A FEMINIST? it asked. “Well, duh…” I sighed. And so the quiz began.

Do you think all human beings are equal?

Are we all equal? Apparently, “no” was the wrong answer. But claiming we’re all equal is a lie. Women are still raped and abused by men, at horrific rates. So no, we’re not still equal. Infant girls are still murdered for the sole reason that they’re female. So no, we’re not equal. Last year, a two year old girl was rescued from a forced marriage, here in Britain. So no, crappy over simplistic “feminist” test, WE ARE NOT ALL EQUAL. I’m not sure I even want equality with a class who allows a global genocide of women. I’d rather we got liberation. But if your crappy little test wants to lie, and convince those would-be feminists that we’ve got equality, then you may as well pack up your pickets and head home. We’ll take the battle from here.

Anyway, head back and give the “acceptable” answer, the one which sounds remarkably like our beloved MRA’s bleating “but you already have equality!”, select a lie, and get to question number 2.

Do you think women are human beings?

Oh for sapphos’ sake. Even the most misogynistic men I know would answer “yes” to this. But if they treat women as humans is another question…

For me, the definition of feminism is a bit more complicated than either provided above. If you google the word “feminism,” the first definition given is:

The advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social and economic equality to men.

As of yet, we don’t have equality to men on any of those grounds. So why are so called feminist lying to us? To me, feminism is about believing women’s histories, not telling our daughters that their value is only equal to the man they marry, about aiming to liberate ourselves, not only for now, but for our future. And it’s about remembering other women aren’t the enemy, no matter how damn much we disagree with them, no matter how much we believe they’re supporting the patriarchy. Supporting the patriarchy doth not an enemy make. It makes a victim. And to me, feminism is about saying we’ll fight for the liberation of those victims as well. Loosening the blindfold and untying their hands so they can find the power to escape with us.

Oversimplifying feminism lies to women, it harms us. It claims we already have equality, and accepts anyone as a feminist with no questions. It’s paths like this which see Femen and Hugo Schwyzer celebrated. It’s the oversimplification of feminism which tells us we don’t need those pickets, because everyone’s an ally. They’re not. We see feminist pages sharing Lennon quotes, whilst forgetting his abuse of women. We see the patriarchal lie shoved down our throats, force fed to us. “We have equality,” they claim. “EVERYONE is on our side,” they lie, using the lie that we have equality to allow further abuse of women.

The BBC, the myth of false allegations and culpability

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Reblogged from Karen Ingala Smith:

On 12 March 2013, The Crown Prosecution Service published a report by the Director of Public Prosecutions, Keir Starmer, into so-called false allegations of rape and domestic violence. The report, shows that false allegations are rare, and probably rarer than most people think1; it’s part work being undertaken by the CPS to improve its handling of cases involving violence against women and girls…

Read more… 1,390 more words

#IBelieveHer: And No Menz, I DON’T Believe You’ve Been “Falsely Accused”…

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Today, I was “accused” by a male acquaintance of “always taking the women’s side” when it came to discussions of male violence against women. Inside, I cheered. Outwardly, my face showed no expression, as I knew what was coming. Mentally, a gameshow host was shouting in the back of my mind – “Bring on the rape apologia!” I hate it when these voices are right…

“I’m going to tell you something, and I’ve only ever told four people before you… You can’t tell anyone. But there was this girl who falsely accused me of rape. In the end, I had to go to the police to stop her, cos I was getting death threats from people she’d told…”

I can keep secrets. In fact, you’d be amazed at the secrets I keep. But this is one secret I refuse to shut up about, for the sole reason that I do not believe him. When men tell us they were falsely accused of rape, they expect to be believed immediately. Because men are our narrators in society, and we’re expected to believe them. God forbid we know of our unreliable narrators. God forbid we know they lie.

What my narrator didn’t know was I study everything. I absorb things that other people let fly under the radar. All five of his ex girlfriend’s were, in his words, “psycho bitches.” But of course, this was a “false allegation.” He told me to “shut up”, earlier in the conversation. But of course, this was a “false allegation.” He’d emotionally manipulated his last girlfriend. But of course, this was a “false allegation”. He’d once commented how Mini-Dragon liked to be the centre of my attention, with a hint of jealousy tinging his voice.

I didn’t accuse him flat out of lying. Part of me wishes I had. Instead, I pointed out false allegations counted for less than 3% of all reports of rape, and that men were statistically more likely to be raped than falsely accused of rape. I could see his eyebrow arch. He knew he wasn’t believed. We scare men by not believing their bullshit, and choosing to believe the women around us instead. I don’t think I needed to tell him I didn’t believe him. But a big part of me wishes I had…

But for the next man who decides to tell me he was “falsely accused”, all I have to say is, I don’t believe you, and the odds aren’t ever in your favour, this time…

#IBelieveHer; What #Steubenville Has Reminded Us About Rape Culture

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“I would truly like to apologize. No pictures should have been sent out, let alone been taken.”

The words of Trent Mays, his supposed apology for raping 16 year old Jane Doe. The words that prove a tweet I sent last night wasn’t clutching at straws. In a fit  of fury over an offline conversation, I tweeted last night about the lengths people go to in order to defend a man’s right to rape; we saw it through Ched Evans’ support last year, through the Mike Tyson tours, which saw those supporting the tours claim Tyson had been set up. And now, we hear it from the mouth of the rapist himself… His remorse isn’t linked to the fact he raped Jane Doe. For one simple reason. We keep telling men they have a right to rape.

“But rape’s illegal!,” I hear some of you cry. You must be new, here… We lie to our women, we tell them rape is a criminal offence. Yet we see sympathy aligned with the men who rape women. 5,000 likes for a page in support of rapist Ched Evans, a grand total of 0 days in jail for rapist Roman Polanski, and a report on the rarity of false accusations twisted into an article about how men suffer from false accusations by BBC. I could go on, but fear I’d be here all night, just listing cases where rape has not only been minimised, but legalised too. Trent Mays didn’t apologise for raping Jane Doe, because he felt it was his right.

“But he was jailed!,” you argue. You really are new to these parts. Seriously. I’ll get you a map.  Figures from Rape Crisis and the British Crime Survey puts unreported rapes at 90%. In other words, men who rape have a 90% of their victim not going to the police. Why’s that, you ask? Take a look at the Saville cover up, the naming and bullying of the survivor in the Evans case, the rape myths women have forced down their throats at every time. As soon as we’re old enough to walk, we’re warned against “stranger danger”, yet it’s not strangers we need to fear, it’s the men sleeping in our beds, who think rape is their right.

And what really burns, is how ingrained rape culture is. We accuse the survivors of lying, despite knowing the rate for false accusations is low – 2%. We accuse the survivors of lying, choosing to believe the accused by default, on the basis of their sex. We try to blame survivors, by referring to their clothing, how much they drunk, whether they flirted with their rapist. We talk about rape, discussing it in terms of “sex”, when it’s not. It’s men’s violence against women, using penetration. To the survivors of rape, it feels nothing like sex. To those who campaign against rape, it looks nothing like sex. But we compare it to sex to discredit the survivors, and make excuses for the men who rape them. When we compare rape to sex, we try to imply confusion in the rapists mind. Yet they know they’re committing violence at the time. They know it’s rape, and we have to stop giving them a defence.

But with Steubenville, as in the Ched Evans case, it hasn’t ended with the verdict. The abuse continues, as the media empathises with the rapists, forgetting of the survivor. The first article I saw regarding the Steubenville verdict hosted a photo of Richmond crying into his mother’s shoulder – a move which aims at garnering sympathy for the rapists. The survivors pain is not as important as that of the men who raped her. If it was, the media wouldn’t sympathise with their “ruined futures”. They made the choice to ruin their futures when they made the choice to rape. And further more, social media allows the further abuse of the survivor – PublicShaming.Tumblr.Com has collected a sample of the worst of social media’s response to Steubenville.

Isn’t it time we stopped pretending rape has already been outlawed, and truly remove men’s right to rape?

International Women’s Day – And The Men Who Demonstrate Why It’s So Vital…

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Will, your dedication to the cause is applauded. #MustTryHarder

TEH POOR MENZ! We have ONE day… ONE FLIPPING DAY!

Why do misogynists struggle so much with buttering two pieces of bread and putting something between it? They all seem to have the same problem…

<facepalm>

So, not only can misogynists not work out the logistics of putting two pieces of bread together, but they can’t use google, either. Jarrett, let me help you out here…

WHERE do I even… WHY? WHY?!?

Dear Jord. Don’t give up the day job. Preferably find one where you can’t access the internet.

Would be a man that says that…